It has been awhile since I have written! I have missed it, but at the same time, I have not. I have been very busy with my photography business and have literally no free time, which is good! I work during the day as a medical assistant in a doctor's office and that takes about 50 hours of my time a week. So, I have very limited time during the evenings and weekends. I have been feeling rather "normal" finally! Trying to figure out how to balance it all has been kinda hard though.
I did have to admit that I have felt so "normal" that I have sorta kinda put off my responsibilities as a melanoma patient. I have sorta kinda not been going to the dermatologist. Or doing skin checks. Or wearing SPF. Or posting anything on Facebook melanoma related. Or blogging. I guess I kinda sorta took a melanoma vacation. Why? Because, I could. It was something I could control. I am always looking for control of things since my diagnosis. It took me awhile to figure that out. When I feel I have lost control of something, I shut down. I can hardly function.
I was told by everyone of my docs that I am fine. And I have seen a few. Even got a second opnion and even though I felt better, I still felt like I was getting lost in the shuffle somehow. So, I dangerously started telling myself that I am fine. Why waste the money and the time on appointments. Why waste the time STRESSING all the time! I had better things to do than let melanoma have control. Besides, I was tired. Tired of thinking about melanoma. Tired of it all. So I took control back and ignored melanoma. Take that melanoma!
I know. What an idiot. It just hit me like a ton of bricks one day last week that I was being pretty stupid. My fiance says it was probably my friend Briana whacking me upside the head. He is probably right! So, I put on my big girl pants, and just to make sure I fessed up to it, put the whole dirty secret on Facebook for all of my Facebook friends to see. I figured I would get a lot of people telling me I should practice what I preach, and I was wrong. I got the most outpouring of love and concern and understanding ever. I had people tell me that they could relate and understand that it was much more fun to ignore going for biopsies, and cutting and stress of melanoma. But, they also reminded me that early detection is what saved my butt the first time. My friends are the best. They of course understand my fears and needs. But, I knew what I needed to do before hearing it. I guess I really wanted people to know that I am not perfect. I don't always listen to my own advice. I felt it is important to continue to be honest about everything with this journey. Even to myself.
So I called my PCP and got a referral to a dermatologist the next day, and it happened to be one I had heard of years ago, and my sister had seen. She liked him a lot. I made the call and they got me in fairly quickly. I felt so good afterward. I had an appointment and I was getting back on the horse!
I met Dr. K yesterday and I was very nervous, but excited at the same time. I really was hoping that nothing would look odd enough to warrant a biopsy, but as he said, I am a 'very mole-y girl". There was one spot on my arm that he didn't like. I had never liked it either. He called it "smudgey" looking. I pointed out the itchy mole that I had on my tummy. The one that used to itch like crazy when I was a tanaholic. But, none of my other dermatologist's, or doctors ever thought anything of it. Even the U of M doc didn't think it was anything. Dr. K simply said, "If it has EVER itched, it is gone." I like him!
He said he really isn't worried about either of them, but I know that looks can be deceiving and he was probably just trying to not make me worry. I am just going to pray on it. A lot. I don't really have time for melanoma. But I DO have time for my check ups and my skin checks. I made a promise to myself that I will never slack off again.
I just need to find the balance in the journey. I can't let it run my life, but I can't turn my back on it either. I need to live my life, but I need to be here to do it. I will figure it out! Life is my new journey. I will keep you posted on the results!
(HUGS)
Showing posts with label stage 1b melanoma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stage 1b melanoma. Show all posts
Friday, December 20, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Hearing That I Have Melanoma~My 2 Year Journey
It has been 2 years since I heard the news, " You have melanoma." Time stood still. My life has been a roller coaster of emotions ever since.
It was April's Fools Day 2011 when I had my mole removed. I had done the research and I was sure that it was indeed melanoma. I had been preparing myself for weeks. I got my life insurance in place and other things. I had decided what I would do depending on how bad it was. I had called my tanning salon and told them I would not be back, EVER. I had spent HOURS upon HOURS online researching everything I could about melanoma.
I thought I was prepared to hear the words. I thought I was ready and that I could ask the right questions and that I would hear the answers, but it was all a blur.
How can you be prepared to hear that you have cancer? Melanoma has the reputation of being sneaky and spreading fast. A cancer with no cure.
I remember the doctor (dermatologist) was jet lagged from a trip back from some tropical destination. He wasn't tan though. I remember wondering if HE had skin cancer, who would remove it from him? Would he just do it himself?
I remember Kevin tensing up when the doctor said the words, "You have melanoma." I had my hand on his back. His breathing changed and he slumped down a little. I felt such a great amount of guilt at that moment. He had told me to stop tanning. He had told me I was beautiful without the tan. He tried to convince me, and I ignored and hid my tanning from him.
I remember hearing that we could pick our hospital and they gave me the info. We were going to get a call to set up an appointment for a surgical oncologist.
My head was spinning. I had met Kevin there, so we checked out and gave each other a hug. He said that everything was going to be alright. We drove home. All I could think about was, "How am I going to tell my kids, my parents..??" and "Am I going to die?" I was so scared. I cried on that drive. I had known that I had melanoma,but I did NOT know what it felt like to be told you have it.
I didn't realize how much my life was going to change.
Telling my kids was harder than I thought. I don't really even remember what I said or how I said it. I just remember the looks on their faces. The fear in their eyes. The concern. I felt like I was weak. I hated being weak in front of my kids. I had to be the strong one. I couldn't get melanoma. I didn't have time for that! I needed to be healthy and to be able to be a Mom to them. I feared leaving them and for them to see me sick.
The first time I said, "I have melanoma", was the next morning when I called into work. I thought I was okay the night before. I was being really strong, by holding it in. When I woke up in the morning, it kind of all hit me. Like a Mac truck! I couldn't stop shaking and crying. I had cancer and I had to have surgery to see if I was going to live or if I was going to die. I called into work and I told my office manager. She seemed annoyed, but whatever. I did let it get to me then, but now I just know that is the way she is. I was crying when I called and she didn't really even say anything to me that was comforting at all.
I had my family and I had my friends. That is what got me through.
I had my appointment with the surgical oncologist the next week and he explained the surgery. It was scary, but we picked a date. He said, "April 20th." I shook my head. He looked confused. I said,"Any day but the 20th. That is my daughter's 16th birthday. I can't do that to her." He said, "Ok, well then April 27th then, I don't want to wait much longer." I agreed. It was my sister and brother-in-law anniversary. It was a great day when they got married, may it would bring me some good luck.
The last 2 years, I have grown and changed a lot. I can't even remember what it was like to be the old me. I only know the Melanoma Me. It almost changed me for the worst. I have learned to not let it control me or define me. I am using my diagnosis to educate people and to change people's views on tanning.
It isn't always easy to stand up for what you believe in. I have had a lot of negativity and people that do not agree. I used to let it really get to me, but not now. I have grown some tough skin along with my pale skin. And I will never stop.
It was April's Fools Day 2011 when I had my mole removed. I had done the research and I was sure that it was indeed melanoma. I had been preparing myself for weeks. I got my life insurance in place and other things. I had decided what I would do depending on how bad it was. I had called my tanning salon and told them I would not be back, EVER. I had spent HOURS upon HOURS online researching everything I could about melanoma.
I thought I was prepared to hear the words. I thought I was ready and that I could ask the right questions and that I would hear the answers, but it was all a blur.
How can you be prepared to hear that you have cancer? Melanoma has the reputation of being sneaky and spreading fast. A cancer with no cure.
I remember the doctor (dermatologist) was jet lagged from a trip back from some tropical destination. He wasn't tan though. I remember wondering if HE had skin cancer, who would remove it from him? Would he just do it himself?
I remember Kevin tensing up when the doctor said the words, "You have melanoma." I had my hand on his back. His breathing changed and he slumped down a little. I felt such a great amount of guilt at that moment. He had told me to stop tanning. He had told me I was beautiful without the tan. He tried to convince me, and I ignored and hid my tanning from him.
I remember hearing that we could pick our hospital and they gave me the info. We were going to get a call to set up an appointment for a surgical oncologist.
My head was spinning. I had met Kevin there, so we checked out and gave each other a hug. He said that everything was going to be alright. We drove home. All I could think about was, "How am I going to tell my kids, my parents..??" and "Am I going to die?" I was so scared. I cried on that drive. I had known that I had melanoma,but I did NOT know what it felt like to be told you have it.
I didn't realize how much my life was going to change.
Telling my kids was harder than I thought. I don't really even remember what I said or how I said it. I just remember the looks on their faces. The fear in their eyes. The concern. I felt like I was weak. I hated being weak in front of my kids. I had to be the strong one. I couldn't get melanoma. I didn't have time for that! I needed to be healthy and to be able to be a Mom to them. I feared leaving them and for them to see me sick.
The first time I said, "I have melanoma", was the next morning when I called into work. I thought I was okay the night before. I was being really strong, by holding it in. When I woke up in the morning, it kind of all hit me. Like a Mac truck! I couldn't stop shaking and crying. I had cancer and I had to have surgery to see if I was going to live or if I was going to die. I called into work and I told my office manager. She seemed annoyed, but whatever. I did let it get to me then, but now I just know that is the way she is. I was crying when I called and she didn't really even say anything to me that was comforting at all.
I had my family and I had my friends. That is what got me through.
I had my appointment with the surgical oncologist the next week and he explained the surgery. It was scary, but we picked a date. He said, "April 20th." I shook my head. He looked confused. I said,"Any day but the 20th. That is my daughter's 16th birthday. I can't do that to her." He said, "Ok, well then April 27th then, I don't want to wait much longer." I agreed. It was my sister and brother-in-law anniversary. It was a great day when they got married, may it would bring me some good luck.
The last 2 years, I have grown and changed a lot. I can't even remember what it was like to be the old me. I only know the Melanoma Me. It almost changed me for the worst. I have learned to not let it control me or define me. I am using my diagnosis to educate people and to change people's views on tanning.
It isn't always easy to stand up for what you believe in. I have had a lot of negativity and people that do not agree. I used to let it really get to me, but not now. I have grown some tough skin along with my pale skin. And I will never stop.
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