I Love You. That Is All.

The last few weeks have been the toughest since I was first diagnosed.  I have been trying to accept that we have lost some pretty amazing and young warriors lately.  I have had a very hard time with that.  It seems like one right after the other and I can't make sense of it really, but I am trying.

My friend's daughter Jillian, my friend Angi, and Jennifer, and Briana.  All within months of each other.  Each one fought with strength, grace and dignity.  I was and am still in awe of each of these amazing women.  They tried every trial, did every treatment, and most of all, they lived their lives to the fullest and never gave up.  They did not let melanoma define them.  They used it to help others, to teach us the importance of love and friendship.  Out of all of these warriors, I only met Briana in person and actually was close with her.

I met Briana at a cancer group by my house called Gilda's Club.  I had went and signed up the week prior, needing something to cope with my new diagnosis.  But, I was disappointed to find out that they didn't have a group for skin cancer, or melanoma.  I decided to try the Wednesday group and posted about it on my page My Journey with Melanoma.  Briana commented that she was part of the Wednesday group and she was excited that I would be there since she felt alone being the only one with melanoma!  I was so excited to meet her!

I will never forget the first time I saw her.  I walked in, and I knew immediately that it was her.  She had the biggest, most beautiful smile I have ever seen!  She gave me the biggest hug and I felt such a connection with her.  It was like I had always known her.  We were soul sisters. 

We went to the Wednesday group meeting for awhile and then we both decided that it wasn't really what we wanted to do and continued our friendship outside of the group.  She went to one of my daughter's dance recitals and we had so much fun!  She met my family at a melanoma walk we did together in October, and my daughter and her became very close too.  My daughter accidentally called her Banana one day and she said, " Well, if I am a Banana, you are an Apple!"  Then somehow I became Melon.  :)  Haha! We would meet for lunch or text back and forth.  Our favorite was to just text, "I love you. That is all."  If I asked her about her treatment, she would talk about it briefly and always would say, "It's no big deal."  She just amazed me.  She never let melanoma get her down.  She was not about to let it mess up her plans.  She didn't dwell on it, or complain about it.  We didn't really even talk about it much. She just did what she had to do and moved on.  She just lived.  And she had a lot to live for!

She was planning her wedding to the love of her life and she was missing him because he was finishing college in Massachusetts.  She was so in love and if you brought up his name, or the wedding, her face would just light up!! The wedding was absolutely beautiful! She was glowing and so very happy.  There were butterflies and Gerbera daisies everywhere.  She loved both.  She was very tired at her wedding, but she didn't let it stop her from celebrating.  I was so happy that she was so happy.

She was still doing a trial at U of M and she was enjoying married life.  We didn't see each other for about six months, and we decided we should meet for lunch.  I was shocked and almost didn't recognize her.  I had known that her last trial had ended and she was waiting to get into another one. She did get into the trial, but the side effects were too much.  She was sent home on hospice 2 months later.

She died on Valentine's Day.  I thought I was prepared.  I don't think you can ever be prepared to say goodbye to someone you love.  I went to see her twice while she was at home on hospice.  It was incredibly hard to see her like that,but I am glad I went.  She saw me get upset and cry and she whispered "I love you."  and I whispered, " I love you more."  The last time I went, I blew her a kiss when I left and she blew one back.  That is the last time I saw her.  I never thought that this would happen.  I never thought she would not beat this, and I know she didn't either.  But, she was at peace at the end that this is what she was faced with. She knew she would be going to heaven and that there was nothing else she had to do.  No more pills, no more chemo, no more radiation, no more doctors, no more cutting, no more pain.  She could stop the battling and be at peace. 

Today is going to be really tough.  I know she is looking down on all of us and she is holding our hands.  I know that she will be with me today and always.  She was an angel her on earth and I know that she has a very special job now. I will always remember her big beautiful smile and her easy going personality, her strength, her sweetness, her beautiful blue eyes.  I will continue to fight Briana.  I will never, ever stop.  You taught me not to give up.  I am so glad that you were my friend.  Fly with the angels honey.  You got your butterfly wings now.

I love you. That is all. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Jillian Hayes Wagner~Melanoma Warrior

 I was so blessed to be part of this emotional day.  I am friend's with Susan, Jillian's mom, (a.k.a Mama Bear) and we also live about 3 hours apart.  Jillian had melanoma, and she fought a long, hard battle.  Through it all, she tried to remain Jillian.  Not the girl with melanoma.  She lived life to the absolute fullest she could, and she battled each new obstacle with strength, grace and determination.  I never got to meet Jillian, but I feel like, through Susan, I did know her.

Awareness of melanoma is near and dear to me.  This billboard is just so awesome!  I have seen pictures of it, but standing in front of it and seeing it in person was so amazing. That young, beautiful girl is smiling and shining her light down all over Michigan, and she is spreading awareness.  Her message is, "It's not "JUST" skin cancer...It IS Cancer."  She is putting a face to this horrible cancer.  A cancer without a cure.  I know she is changing the world and is smiling along with all the other melanoma warriors in Heaven. 

Thank you Jillian and Susan for sharing your story and your strength.  One day, we will win this battle against melanoma.  The black beast will go down! 

There is nothing stronger than the love of a mother

Standing and getting LOUD!!

Melanoma Warriors~Andrea Alexander, Jolaina ParentWalling, Susan Visch Hayes, and Melissa Collins

How Do You Cope In Melanoma World?

One of the hardest things about melanoma, for me, has been learning to cope with the after math.  It is not easy being told you have cancer.  It wasn't easy for me hearing it, even though as soon as I had a change in my mole, I looked it up online.  What I saw scared me to death, but I guess I was still hoping that the dermatologist would say, " Nope, it wasn't melanoma!  Just an ugly mole!"  Wishful thinking.

I was not prepared for the look on my fiance's face in the derm's office.  I wasn't prepared to tell my family or my kids.  That was the worst.  You tend to make light of it.  "Oh, I just have to have a small, quick little surgery to get some that they left behind to get rid of it."  I told my daughter this.  She could read the fear on my face though.  She knew at 16 that it was more serious than that.

Then after I made it through the surgery, I had to recover.  That would have been impossible if not for my support group, which consisted of, my family, kids, my fiance, and my online friends.  Returning to work was very difficult.  I felt no support from them.  I am just an employee.  I felt like as time went on, that people didn't want to hear about melanoma anymore.  I went into full education mode once I was diagnosed, mostly because I didn't know the dangers of tanning.  I didn't know about melanoma at all.  I felt that it was my duty to educate everyone about it, because I figured they would want to know!  I thought they would all stop tanning and thank me for sharing this news  Wrong.  I was shunned, de-friended, made fun of, told off, and ignored.  I became so depressed.  My kids and fiance even got sick of hearing it.  It was all I could talk about.  I recently realized that I was living in so much fear that I was crippled by it and all I could do was educate.  It was my coping mechanism.  I am so glad that I realized this and have slowly made changes to spend more time with everyone and LIVE my LIFE.  I could have easily lost my life.  I believe that melanoma was given to me for a reason.  I believe I am supposed to share my story.  I am supposed to warn people of the dangers of tanning.

So share I have. Pictures and everything are out there for people to see.  I have done a TV interview and other interviews.  I have spoken at the Relay for Life in my area as a survivor. I have shared my pictures numerous times, for a calendar, for a website.  I will not turn down any opportunity.  That is how I cope with melanoma.  I attack back.  It wanted to kill me and it did hurt me, but it doesn't control me.  I will not lie down, I will not let it win.  I am a warrior and I will fight until I can not fight anymore!  I fight for the ones that have passed away and for the ones that are yet to be diagnosed.  I fight for those that are living and fighting the beast, and the ones that are paralyzed with fear that can't speak about it.  When one of us takes a break, another one of us is speaking out.  We will not be silenced.  This can all get very overwhelming.  To see warriors pass away after fighting so hard.  "They were fine last month".  That is how melanoma works.  It is a sneaky little bastard.  Likes to hide and rear its ugly head when you least expect it.  We all mourn and hurt together,  and some of us get darn right pissed off!  We are bound together by our diagnosis.  We fight together, because we need each other.  When I get angry, I fight harder.  I am angry.  I hate melanoma.  I was recently told that my pathology report was great, meaning that the possibility of my melanoma coming back, is slim to none.  It took me awhile to digest it.  I wanted to believe it, but I was scared to let myself.  I know how this stuff works.  One minute you are fine, told you are clear and the next you are gone.  I had to let it all sink in and I did a lot of research on path reports and talked to my new oncologist on the phone twice.  I guess after feeling I was stage 2a, and feeling like I was not a high enough stage to be a "warrior", going to a stage 1b, was like I didn't even have melanoma.  But, I had it just as much as anyone who is diagnosed.  I went through, and am still going through, fear of melanoma.  I had a very intense surgery to remove it and a long journey to recover from the physical and emotional scars.  I am a melanoma warrior.  I stand with melanoma warriors of all stages, and we are ALL important in this fight.

Being part of something like this has its ups and downs, but it has taught me a lot and has made me a better person.  I have taken a good look at myself, and I like me.  I didn't like me before and that is why I tanned.  I wanted to change me.  I have learned to love me for who and what I am.  The parts I don't love, I am changing so I do, but not in an artificial way.  I am being good to myself for a change. I deserve it!!  We all deserve it!  Take care of yourself and others.  It will come back to you tenfold.

If you need to learn how to cope and be good to yourself, follow your heart.  It is usually right.  I have had to learn to listen to myself.  If I feel like I am getting too depressed and overwhelmed by it all, I step back.  If my family tells me I am not paying attention to them, I stop and make sure I spend more time with them. I listen to them. And I don't forget to LIVE and enjoy life!!  ;)