My Tanorexia Days

I had not heard the term "Tanorexia" until "Tan Mom"  Patricia Krentcil, made her debut for allegedly taking her 5 year old daughter into a tanning booth with her.  I started hearing more about tanorexia.  Tanorexic people don't think they are tan enough, and are always wanting to be tanner.  They tend to over tan.  Sometimes more than once a day.  Tanning makes them feel good and it is addictive.  They justify it and some even laugh in the face of death by saying, "At least I will know what I am dying of."  or  "At least I will look good when I am dead." It started making sense to me.  I had been tanorexic. I made excuses, and I felt like people were trying to take away something that gave me pleasure.  After a long day at work, it was my 12 minutes of relaxation.  I felt amazing after I walked out of the tanning salon.  I was sure I looked amazing, just like all the photos, and ads told me, because I was tanning!

Patricia Krentcil "Tan Mom"

I never thought or associated tanning with death.  I honestly thought that I would not get skin cancer. Dark hair and eyes, no family history, tanned easily....so, I signed my life away at the tanning salon because it said "risk of skin cancer."  It didn't say "in 1 year you will be diagnosed with something called Melanoma, and you will have surgery,pain,fear and guilt for the rest of your life.  You will make a lot of new friends and some of them will die.  Others you will watch fight and go through pure hell just to live.  Some are so young."  It never told me what I was REALLY signing up for.  So I signed and I tanned until I was a crispy shade of dark brown.  I was happy.

I have a ton of guilt for what I have done to myself, and for telling my daughter that she was too pale and she should start laying out to become tan.  (Mom of the year award there!)  So glad she didn't like to do it though.  (Whew!  Smart kid!)

My friend, Chelsea, said it best,

 "I try not to beat myself up too much because what is done is done, and all I can do is share my experience with others in hopes that they will make better decisions than I did, but I REALLY regret my tanning days on result day. Protect the skin you're in." 

 She posted this as she was going to get results of her latest scans. (Which showed NED by the way!  Yay!)

I also deeply regret my tanning days and can relate to her post so much.  We can't go back, so therefore we tell our stories, share photos, participate in trials, spread the word every chance we get, do interviews, see our dermatologist, bond and fight together and try not to go completely mad because we can't see what is going on inside our bodies.  We are helpless that it could come back when we are told we are NED.  It is all so not worth a tan. 

 I have been going through old photos for my daughter's upcoming grad party next month.  I have come across some photos that literally make my skin hurt!  This one in particular stood out.  It was taken on July 4, 2010.  6 months after I started using tanning beds, and had actually stopped for the summer for about 4 weeks.  It is embarrassing to me now. Back then, I am sure I thought I looked good.

Why?  Why was I so dark and crispy, and thought I looked good??  My kids look normal and I look so bad!   The words from my step dad echo in my head. "You are getting kinda dark."

I hated it when he would say that.  It wasn't the first time he had.  He knew not to come right out and tell me not to tan, because I would have gotten mad (and I still would have anyway!) Stubborn is my middle name! He would just tell me in a round about way because was worried about me.  Almost 2 years later, he went in for a check on a spot on his nose that kept bleeding.  He had a basal cell carcinoma removed from the bridge of his nose and it left an indent.  The man that used to slather on so much sunscreen to mow the lawn, he looked like Casper the ghost, was not invincible. He thinks it happened way before the days when he started taking care of his skin and using sunscreen.  (He was a life guard and used to race sailboats in his younger years.)  


 Here is another gem.  

  All I can say is WTF??  I remember talking to Kevin later and told him, "Wow, look how pale you are?"  He tried to tell me I was too dark.  How could he possibly love someone that looks like this?  SMH.  But he claims he does!  And I am grateful!

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  So there you have it.  My tanorexia days.  They were not my proudest.  It cost me a lot more than some bad pictures.  I have damaged skin and the fear EVERY DAY of a reoccurance, even though they say I am NED and caught it really early.  I have melanoma for the rest of my life. 

  I will now share the video of my interview last year for Melanoma Awareness month. 

   I really hope that more people realize that tanning is not pretty, it is damage, and it can cause skin cancer.  Melanoma. Fear.  Wrinkles.  Loss of elasticity of the skin. Premature Aging of the skin.  Fear.  Fear. And more Fear. 

  
  

                            It IS Cancer.

  
  

  
  

  

  Melanoma scar 2 days post op

  

  Melanoma scar almost 2 years post op

   So, please protect your skin and please protect your children's skin.  Trust me on this.  You do not want to deal with melanoma.  EVER.  Sharing in the hopes that you will listen. 

  
  

  Much Love,

  
  

  Melissa :)

2 Year Cancerversary

It has been over 2 years since my diagnosis.  I have spent over 2 years trying to spread awareness of this horrible cancer.  I have seen so much pain and suffering.  I have cried, and I have laughed.  I have changed since my journey began over 2 years ago.  I celebrated quietly with my family (and a cute, yummy, little cake!), my 2 year cancerversary on April 27th. 

I reflected a lot on the last 2 years.  I realized that I have really gone through a lot of changes since I was first diagnosed.  About 3 years ago, I was not indoor tanning, but getting ready for summer to start and that meant laying out on my lounge chair all weekend, "soaking up the rays".  Getting dark was the plan and I knew how to get my tan just right.  I would spend hours laying out.  I would love the feeling and the time I could "get away" and relax.  Funny, I don't miss it at all. 

I have spent the last 2 years trying to figure out how to spread awareness and stop people from doing the very thing that has caused me so much fear, pain and sadness.  I still haven't figured out how to stop people from doing it.  I have witnessed a lot of people continue to do it and not really care what it can do to them.  Some have even said that they don't care if they get it, because at least they will know what they are dying from, or they will look good when they are dead. 

I have seen a lot of ignorance.  I can't change it.  I can only put the info out there and hope that they will learn from it before it is too late for them.  I can keep spreading awareness and one way is by telling my story and the stories of my friends.  I have not passed up an opportunity to share my story, and my photos and I never will.  I still want to help change the world's views on tanning.


So, as I count my blessings at my 2 year mark, I will reflect and I will continue to go forward and spread the word that melanoma is called the beast for a reason.  It has taken my friends from me and I have the fear every day that it will take me away from my family.

Trust me.  It is not a great feeling to know what you may die from.  When you are diagnosed with melanoma, there is so much fear. There is no sure cure.  Cutting it out is painful and leaves scars that run deep.

 But, the emotional scars are much worse.

Show Your Scars, Tell Your Story, Save A Life

     I read the BEST post ever as I was scrolling and catching up on Facebook and Twitter tonight!  My sister wrote, "Today I am thankful for my daughter's teacher who taught the kids about melanoma. This of course is very near and dear to me and my family ever since my sister was diagnosed with it. I hope that after this lesson kids will think twice about tanning and learn to love the skin they have."

                                                                BIG, HUGE smiles!! 

     I was doing the daily " I am thankful for_____ " on Facebook,and then I just stopped.  Not sure if it was just that I didn't have time in the morning to post it, couldn't  think of anything that wasn't being said by everyone else, or I just wasn't thankful for anything...(probably not the case!)  But, I stopped a few days ago.  Today, I really have something to be thankful for.  I am so thankful for this teacher for teaching about melanoma to high school students who don't want to hear that tanning is dangerous and can cause melanoma. That teacher spends every school day with these kids and what better person to teach them about dangerous things like melanoma, than their teacher!   Teenagers don't want to hear that something they like is bad for them, and most choose to do what they want, and ignore the facts, thinking "It won't happen to ME."  Well, all of us that are living with melanoma know that it CAN and WILL happen to you.  When you least expect it. 

     I have not spent a lot of time teaching my nieces about melanoma.  I don't want to lecture them.  They have seen my scars and they know what melanoma is and they know to protect themselves and not to tan.   I know that my sister has taught them well.  I know that my niece has spoken up several times in dance class, to tell the older girls that were going to tan for upcoming dances, about the dangers of tanning and about me, her aunt, who has melanoma.  She is my little melanoma advocate!  I know that my story has touched my family and has taught all us girls in the family to take better care of our skin and to STOP tanning.  I know that my story is reaching people every day.  It makes it all worth telling my story and showing my scars, that not so long ago, I was so ashamed of.  

    I am not afraid to show my scars, because they tell a very important story.  They are a part of me, and they make me stronger. 

My niece has a friend who has melanoma and she is not doing very well right now.  I remember when I was first told about her.  "Too young" is the first thing that came to my mind.  But, melanoma doesn't discriminate against age, skin color or social status.  It doesn't care if you are black or white, short or tall, male or female, 1 or 50.  It is pretty sneaky like that.  Striking when you least expect it.  

So to all of my fellow melanoma warriors....Don't be afraid to show your scars and share your stories.  You may never know who listens and you may not get to change everyone's mind about tanning, but you put the thought in their mind and maybe the next time they slather on baby oil to lay out in the sun, or go in a tanning booth, they might just think about YOU.  And remember YOUR story. And SAVE their life.  Just think about how many lives that my niece's high school teacher may save, just by educating about melanoma.  

And YOU can too.