Thursday, January 5, 2012

Finding Myself...The Melanoma Me

Today was a strange kind of day.  You know the kind I am talking about.  When everything is just "off" all day long.  One of my patients was late coming in for her appointment and she told me about a bad accident that was causing a lot of back ups on the main highway in our area.  She said she heard a man was hit and killed while changing a tire early this morning.  Not only was he hit by one car, but he was hit multiple times.  My heart sank.  I immediately grabbed my cell phone and texted my fiance to tell him, since he drives that way to work.  I waited to get a reply and was so relieved when I got a text back, because then I knew it wasn't him.  I know that sounds weird, but I am always worried about him driving.  I don't know what I would do if I was the wife that got that call.  My heart goes out to her and his children.  He was a firefighter for 17 years.  A good guy.  Seems so senseless.  On the news tonight, they gave tips on what to do and not to do when you have a flat tire on the expressway.  I realized that he helped a lot of other people, because the word is getting out about how dangerous it is.  I had two high school friends die the same way within the last 3 years.  Something good from something horrible. I wonder how many people he has helped in his career and now how many he is helping in his death.

Ever since I was diagnosed with melanoma, I have wanted to help others NOT go through what I am going through.  What I will go through for the rest of my life.  I have spent hours researching melanoma and the dangers of tanning.  Posting videos,information, pictures, etc. on here and on my facebook pages.  I have several future projects in the works as well.  I feel like it is what I am meant to do.  I honestly didn't know what tanning could do to me.  I know there are many that don't know either.   I hate that young teen girls (and guys) are tanning because they think they look better with a tan.  The damage is being done every single time they go, even though you don't SEE it, there IS damage.  One of the doctors I work with went to Cancun on vacation for 10 days and he came back with a tan.  One of his patients said, "You look like you got a tan."  He replied, "Yeah, but it will only last for 5 days or so!"  "Yeah, but the damage will last a LIFETIME", ran through my head.  The damage will last a lifetime, if it doesn't kill you first.  I see patients come in with tans and some of them are even being treated for skin cancer and STILL continue to tan.  I don't say anything, I am just there.  Keeping my thoughts to myself.  Wishing that the world would understand how bad  it is.  I don't feel comfortable saying anything at work to patients because I am too passionate about skin cancer prevention.  If I started, I am afraid I wouldn't stop and I would hurt people's feelings. It makes me sick and angry that people tan.  I try to remind myself that they don't know it can kill them.  Just like me.  I didn't know.  I learned first hand. I just hope they don't learn like I did.


Then, something else occurred to me.  If I don't say something, then who will?  I work so hard to spread the word on the web, but i haven't done much in my public life to educate people. Most people don't know the "MELANOMA ME".   Most people know me as their co-worker, a Mom, a friend, a customer.  They don't know the work I do for melanoma awareness. Not even my family.  Most of my posts are only viewed by fellow melanoma warriors.  It was kind of a sad realization.  I even keep my personal facebook and melanoma page separate because, I felt like I was losing friends and upsetting people.  No one would comment or repost anything.  No one was viewing my blog or liking my facebook page.  No one wanted to hear it,  not even my relatives and close friends. So  I started hiding the "MELANOMA ME" and pretending melanoma never even existed in a way.  I did it to protect myself from being hurt by people. I am just so passionate about it that I don't want anyone to make me feel bad about it.  But, if they don't know the "MELANOMA ME"  they don't know the REAL me.  Melanoma affected me like nothing I could have ever imaged, or prepared myself for.  It rocked my world to be told I have melanoma and that I would have to have surgery.  That I could possibly have more surgeries and treatments that may not cure me. That I may die from this.  I was fortunate that it was Stage 2a and required no further treatment.  That was great news, but bad news at the same time.  No scans to make sure it wasn't in there?  No radiation to make sure if it was, that it will be treated? Nope.  Just watch and wait.  I think about it every day.  It has become part of me.  I should not have to hide it.  I will not hide it.  No one should have to hide part of them to make others feel comfortable. 

Cancer makes you stronger than you ever knew you could be.  And I am forever grateful for it, because it has taught me so much about life.  Melanoma gave me strength, and it helped me find myself.   I wasn't living before the cancer but, I sure as hell am living now.

12 comments:

  1. You have me Melissa!! You have me!! Like you, I would hide my Melanoma because no one would comment or like. Of all my "friends" only 1 asked how I was, and meant it. It hurts, then I made Sun Kissed and Melanoma Free, I found so many like me~like you. Great post!! If I could cite it word for word I would.. But for now, thank you!! For speaking for us..

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    1. <3 Keep on educating Jill! I love your SKAMF page!!

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  2. Well put, wonderfully said. Can relate 100% to the me in the past. The ME of today is MUCH different, but now I wear the stage 4 label. Cancer does change you, it does make you better, but even when those scars heal and treatments are over....the MELANOMA ME still lingers and that is the part that no one understands and can feel isolating and alone. This is where we reach out to each other and I'm so grateful, but sometimes i long for people to just "get it....GET ME" HOW CAN THEY IF I DON'T TALK ABOUT IT. great job!

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    1. Thanks Jen! How are you doing? Hugs to you!! You are never alone!

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  3. I have been silent many times too. It's hard to confront people who tan, especially when they are friends who know you've had skin cancer. Love your post, keep sharing! You are not alone!

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    1. I is definitely hard to confront. I have learned to take a more calm approach. I have friends and some family who still use tanning beds. I don't preach, but I do pray that they never know first hand what we all know. xoxo

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  4. Melissa,
    My 28 year old daughter was driving to work early on Thursday on I-696 and she witnessed the multiple times the young firefighter was hit by vehicles on the other side of 696. She saw him thrown and hit along with the tire iron flying. She got off at her exit which is right in that area and called 911. She had to give a statement as to what she witnessed. It was horrific and so tragic. The poor people who accidentally hit him will be scarred for life.
    I am a melanoma survivor also. I was diagnosed and surgically treated for two malignant melanoma areas on my abdomen in early 2010. I post my melanoma awareness messages on my regular FB and my "Melanoma & Skin Cancer Awareness" pages. I also post on "Melanoma No More" FB group. I have spread the awareness messages since April 2010 as I gave out melanoma and skin cancer NCI booklets to people at work, family, friends, left them at church, various doctors' & psychologist's offices, hair salons, and anywhere else that people might pick the booklets up and read them or take the booklets with them. I have given out over 460 NCI booklets along with 50 melanoma awareness wristbands that I bought from MRF. I know that people got tired hearing about melanoma detection and prevention, but I didn't care as long as I could keep even one person from dying and to have them become aware of the dangers of all the skin cancers especially melanoma. That's all that mattered to me. I did make an impact on 3 or 4 people who did get their skin checked and had pre-cancerous moles removed. They told me they saw the unusual moles and instantly thought of me and what I have said, read my booklets, or read my FB posts.
    I have been lucky so far but it is always in the back of my mind that one day it will come back and be in my lymph nodes this time. I freaked out when I found a lump in my armpit recently but then I found that it was an infection. I have my next skin check on Monday January 9th. My grandfather died of stage IV malignant melanoma in 1977. I hope that my daughter will never develop it since she used to tan a lot. Now she gets spray tans. I wish you well.
    Take care,
    Irene

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    1. Hi! Sorry for the late reply! I think since this we have become friends on FB! That accident on 696 was crazy! Glad your daughter wasn't hurt! I like the idea of handing out awareness items! That is great! What stage are you?

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  5. I truly appreciate this post. I have been looking everywhere for this! Thank goodness I found it on Bing. You have made my day! Thank you again
    Attwood Centric II Seat

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  6. Melissa I so relate to your whole blog (which I am wading my through) and this post screamed at me for you have verbalised and written my very own thoughts. In a few days I will for the first time be putting up a post on my (general) type Blog about Malignant Melanoma and I'm a little nervous of the reaction or rather the lack of understanding. I'm stage 2, and many people think that because its cut out I"m fine, lets get on with it, nothing to worry about whew! Well, you get my drift and I would so like to send people to your site by link or at the least quote some of your words. You are doing a marvellous thing here. You have my deepest admiration and respect.

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    1. Thanks for following my blog! I have been working on my business and not devoting much time here, but that is about to change! I would be interested in checking out your blog. It is always hard to start putting it all out there, but it gets easier and it is therapeutic, I think. For me it is anyway! I don't know many Stage 2ers! Nice to know there is one out there! xoxo

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