Depressed

Sorry I haven't been feeling much like writing or even hearing about melanoma the last few days.  I think I was on the verge of becoming severely depressed.  I didn't want to move, I didn't want to talk to anyone and blew off many friends and family.  I didn't really get out of bed, but I couldn't sleep either.  I stopped posting melanoma videos, and facts to my Facebook and I didn't want to write here.  It was a very scary, dark, sad and lonely time.  It started I think from a combination of feeling like people didn't care about the word I was trying to spread and just feeling sorry for myself.  Also I felt like life was going on around me and I was pretty much useless because I couldn't do anything I normally did!  It was and is extremely frustrating.  I thought I would be better by now.  Why was I having such a hard time!!  It wasn't fair!  No one understands what I am going through!  No one cares....  

Then my family rallied around me, boosting me up.  My fiance listened to me talk about my frustrations and he told me that it is going to take time to heal.  I was being too hard on myself.  I felt so bad how much extra he had to take on because of me.  He assured me that he was fine with it all.  It pushed me to try to get better and stop feeling sorry for myself.   I spoke to a friend that made me laugh, something I hadn't done in awhile. Slowly I started to pull myself together.  I got good news on Friday from my surgeon.  They got all the cancer from my biopsy, but the lymph node biopsy was not going to be back in time for my post op appt on Monday.  That was disappointing, but I was grateful to get some good news!!  That means I don't have to have more of my leg taken!! 

I have learned how to be humble.  How to accept help.  How much I am loved.  I am so appreciative of all the messages, texts, phone calls, sharing my posts on Facebook.  I am grateful for my kids for helping out around the house, for the love they have showed me during this time.  I am grateful for my family for helping me "spread the lotion"  and supporting me and taking care of their skin by getting skin checks and using sunscreen.  I am grateful for the new friends I have made, that I can share my experiences with and hear their stories and spread the word with.  I am grateful mostly for my fiance, who everyday he did his job and mine too.  He took care of the kids, the house, everything he could do for me he did.  Not once did he complain.  Not once did he show how scared HE was.  He was and is my support.  My hero.  I love you Kevin.  Forever!  I love all of you!!

So today is my post op appointment and I am anxious to speak with the surgeon about my surgery.  I have many questions.  I also am looking forward to getting my stitches out.  I think I will be able to move my leg better once they are gone.  I am getting better everyday.  I feel stronger everyday.  I have learned that life is precious and I have a lot to do still!  I also learned that I am a fighter and when I am too weak to fight I have my family and friends to fight for me!!  Thank you.